Post-Pregnancy Secrets from the Northwest Mommy

My Northwest Mommy friend sent this email to me on Halloween. This made me laugh hysterically and panic mildly.

Aunty Gabby,

I periodically check your blog for interesting tidbits and a bit of humor (thank you very much for one of my life’s little pleasures).  Read about pregnancy secrets yesterday and mused on it a bit last night at 3 am as I nursed E.  May I add some thoughts, although they are more of the after birth type?

No one told me that you could break your tailbone giving birth.  One can.

No one forewarned me that retained water has to go somewhere.  I had night sweats for about a week after B that required daily changing of the bedsheets.

Over the next year, your primary topics of conversation will be about sleep deprivation and how friggin’ adorable your baby is unless, of course, you are one of those people whose babies sleeps 8 hours a night from the get-go in which case I don’t want to hear from you until 2010.

Your boobs will feel like they filled up with rocks when your milk comes in and your nipples will hurt (Soothies, which you can buy at Walgreeens, help) if you breastfeed and you will soak through multiple shirts (this also requires multiple changes) until your milk production regulates itself, in about 3 months.   Nursing pads do not solve this problem they just look funky.

I wish that I had Wild Kingdom boobs.  At my fullest I finally made it into an A cup.

Your household will produce more laundry than you thought possible for a family of three.

It will take you a ridiculous amount of time to get out the door.  Half an hour late is your new “on time”.

Their first few poops are totally gross–black, green, and sticky as a taffy.

They get scudge in their fat folds and behind their ears that smell like belly button crap.  And they collect black lint inbetween their fingers.

Their fingernails and toenails are outrageously sharp and impossible to clip properly.  They will scratch your face, belly, and chest to no end.  It hurts.

The umbilical cord is really freaky while it dries out.

And as everyone says, you cannot imagine that it is possible to love someone as much as you will love this baby.  It’s incredible.

Wishing you the best.  Northwest Mommy

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